On Softness
Last week I had a conflict with someone I care deeply about. Let’s call him my husband. Emotions were running high, and I wanted to be able to disagree without escalating the conversation. This went on for days, and my approach wasn’t working. When I spoke to a friend about it, she recommended another way. “Think about bringing a softness to what you say.”
I loved the word as soon as she spoke it. I loved the image of myself, in the heat of the moment, sitting contained, self-possessed, and reaching out with softness.
Here’s a little reminder: We can’t control the way others react in any given situation. For people who insist on being in the driver’s seat at all times, this is so maddening it can even intensify a disagreement. But there is, of course, an expanse over which we have total power: ourselves. This is a lesson I’ve been learning since I sat in my history teacher’s office in high school, crying over what, at the time, seemed like a crushing disappointment. He handed me a box of tissues and said, “How we react to disappointment says more about us than how we react to success.” We can’t control the situation, only our response.
In my book on the tarot, the author is often talking about certain cards representing power and control but doing so with a “soft touch.” I’d never heard this expression, but it was one I’ve grown to really like. At work today, take a look around: who is exerting force with an iron fist or hard will? Who is leading through soft control? Which seems more effective or more appealing?
Softness gets a bad rap, especially in the workplace. It’s so often seen as weak, feminine, permissive. Our culture seems to have a limitless interest in hard edges and brute force. But what would it feel like to bring softness to our interactions today: our work, our relationships with others, and maybe most importantly, our relationship with ourselves. It doesn’t have to mean being overly yielding or a pushover; but instead of reacting to any situation with a sharpness, we ease our expression, melt our heart, and respond with something a little softer.
I, for one, am going to try. Will you?
Kristina Strain: What a lovely idea! I’m going to remember this one for the next time I have a conflict with someone I care deeply about (husband).1 year ago
Katie: I love this idea. I do think softness is underrated and often dismissed – but it can bring so much healing. I’m with you!1 year ago
brie.: softness is, i think, a sign of knowing yourself fully, and being confident in who she is.1 year ago
Julie: Love this post, Sarah!
I stumbled upon the Simple Marriage manifesto recently and really loved it. It has a similar message, and seems helpful for all relationships, not just romantic ones. The gist is that you are only in charge of yourself, but that should be super exciting because you make up 50% of every relationship you’re in!1 year ago
Betsy: Softly said.1 year ago
Amy: I’m notorious for being a terrible fighter, but lately, when I fight with my boyfriend or consider being critical, I try to think of little things about him that melt my heart: the way he finds my hand when we’re sleeping, the way he brings me little treats, how nice he is to my mom. When I think about those things while delivering criticism or arguing, I am so much nicer.
This is a lovely post, my dear.1 year ago
Maureen: I really love this post. I think in softness there is strength, and I know I would respond to it much more than the iron fist. Glad to be reminded of it this morning. I had a bit of a tiff with my teenage daughter, and where I don’t think I was too heavy handed, a little softness would not have gone amiss.1 year ago
sg: Thank you, Sarah, for these wonderful words of wisdom! I, for one, can certainly try harder to be softer
.1 year ago
So glad you guys liked this. It’s a word that’s been on my mind lately…
Julie, You’re description of the Simple Marriage manifesto made me laugh.
Amy, That reminds me of advice I read in a book once: hold hands while you fight and see how it changes the dynamic. Unsurprisingly, when I’m angry, I never seem to remember this tip!
1 year ago
Sara Rose: So weird, I literally had this sort of conversation with Nolan last night. Eva’s been kind of hard to deal with lately (Read: Psycho tantrums and outbursts) and we’ve felt like we really needed to crack down on her. I mean, this behavior extends to school and everything. Nolan and I were discussing it last night and suddenly it came to me- this same thought. I said, “Maybe instead of always being mad and frustrated with her, we should try being gently firm or talking with her more to get to the root of whats going on?” He was reluctant but I’m willing to give it a try since our previous have been such smashing failures that I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps she needs an outlet and someone to talk to without being judged and we can circumvent the crazy behavior.
It’s hard in marriage, isn’t it, to remember the rules of proper arguing and discussion. Marriage already ties in so many emotions, so things become charged before you realize it. There are times when I could (and sadly do) end up yelling my head off at Nolan. Rarely does this actually help as much as me sitting down and trying to rationally discuss where things have broken down to the point of conflict. So yes, despite it being demeaned, I think a softer, more conscientious approach to life can help in a lot of ways.
And with most things in terms of conflicts and marriage, dearest friend- this too shall pass.1 year ago
Cadi: I believe Softness is a power that all women possess but don’t use enough – myself included. It’s a gentle tool that we have that should be deployed more, and I can think of many of my own situations that it would apply nicely to. I think you got it right: responding, rather than reacting, will get you a lot further in a volatile or conflict-laden situation.
I’m going to try too. Thanks for this, Sarah, it’s a good reminder that being mindful gets us further in life. I hope things with you and your dear husband are working themselves out. They can be so frustrating sometimes, can’t they?1 year ago
Alison: Check out this month’s Yoga Journal article about Parvati–the goddess of strength and softness! It’s not online yet, but it fits so perfectly with your theme.1 year ago
Sara Rose, Softness in parenting is a whole ‘nother kettle of fish. Wow.
Oh, we patched it up just fine, Cadi!
I love that you called it a “gentle tool.” I like that!
Oooh, to be a goddess of strength and softness! Now that is something I can definitely get behind. I might see if she has a mantra. Thanks, Ali!1 year ago
Katherine: Oh, this is so lovely! It’s so unfortunate when people confound “softness” with being a pushover– and we’re so often socialized to believe that, too! I will make a point of reminding myself of the difference, every time I feel like I’m getting snappy.
1 year ago
etameca: I’m an Aries, Sarah, and it is very difficult for me to expression anger, hurt, and disappointment without interjecting with direct verbal force… and one to be reckoned with, might I add. I am learning, though, that there’s no real benefit to responding in that way. It only encourages saying things that I may regret and hurting people that will never forget. I’m doing better, but it’s truly a work in progress for me. My fiance is still resentful because of some things I may have said long ago out of anger. People don’t forget that stuff. Practice, practice, practice, right? XOXO, Sarah1 year ago
Katherine, Yes! I’m trying to remember the difference myself. And another topic for another day: how saying “no” doesn’t make you a “bitch.”
etameca, I’m an Aries too, so when I say I hear you, believe me: I really do.
Here’s to practice!1 year ago
Kanesha: This is a beautiful post, Sarah.
My hubs and I are still working on softness during challenging conversations (almost 13 yrs in) – which is more than difficult when being married to an analytical scientist.
We are both particular with work choice – me: words about how words make you feel / him: words about getting to the bottom of it – *big sigh*.
Constant practice – patience – and love. (So worth it!)1 year ago
Emily: Lovely, lovely post.1 year ago
Amy C: Softness is a tough one for me. I grew up in a part of North Jersey where people are pretty brutal towards any kind of person who might be perceived as a pushover. Add that to an emotionally abusive background with a father who was an imposing policeman, and a hyper-conservative religious upbringing where “softness” was a requirement from women, and by softness they meant “being a doormat”, and softness can feel so terrifyingly vulnerable. I am so, SO grateful to have a husband who seems to naturally bring my softness out without ever taking advantage of it, and who helps me fend off others who wish to do so. It’s a much better life than being the punky chick from north jersey who’s always ready for a fight!1 year ago
Stéphanie: This picture is adorable !50 weeks ago