Radical Self-Care
It started just as a detox, a simple way to ring in the new year with a clean slate. But the results have been so far-reaching I’m having kind of a weird I-see-the-light moment. In fact, I’m worried about sounding like a proselytizer. But here’s what I know: I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more happy, more optimistic or more energetic in my entire life. Wow, right? I am teetering on saying that I am deliriously, near-hysterically happy. Examples: I keep saying inane things like, “Life can be really awesome!” and smiling into the distance like a fool. I think I’m weirding my husband out, frankly.
Big stuff from just eating more almonds, right?
Of course, it’s been more than just that. I’ve been going to yoga twice a week. I’ve been meditating a little. And I hate to jump on the gluten-free bandwagon, but steering clear of wheat seems to make me feel really, really good. What started out as a detox––cutting things out––has become instead about how full I feel, not of food but of, well, life. (And if you’ll remember, “full” was a proposed word for 2011.) I’ve started thinking of this as “radical self-care.”
There’s a cycle I’ve been fairly familiar with as an adult. It goes like this: do things that make me feel like crap (and we’re not just talking about too many Cheetos here, but all those habits that can leave you feeling ground down and depleted), then feel like crap, follow with more doing of craptastic things. Feeling like crap––vaguely guilty, scatter-brained, exhausted, overstuffed, overcaffeinated––can so become the usual state of affairs that we don’t even realize we do feel like crap. I certainly didn’t.
This “detox” became the inverse of that cycle. I dubiously sipped green smoothies and skeptically ate millet (perhaps known best as a key ingredient in bird seed), made a list of things that stress me out, went to bed earlier. The chain of events was exactly opposite from the usual: Doing these things made me feel good, then I felt good, and then I wanted to keep doing things that made me feel good.
This might seem obvious to some of you. (And if so, you’d really be doing some of us more dolty types a favor by starting a blog where we can follow your every move and learn by example. Please?) But I have been having the same conversation with one of my best friends for approximately 10 years: why is it so hard to do the things that are good for you? Why is it so hard to do the things that make you feel good? When I posed this question a year or so ago on this blog, one of you wisely wrote that it’s human nature to want to keep ourselves comfortable on the couch; taking out the garbage requires putting on boots and walking outside and that impulse, that resistance, is normal. What’s striking is when you find the things that make you feel really, ecstatically good that don’t result in any resistance: you are eager to pull out the knitting needles, happy to work on your blog, excited to try a new recipe for dark leafy greens. The case here was that none of this detox stuff was hard at all. I wish I knew why this time was different. What’s the point of a change if you don’t know the lesson, part of me thinks.
It’s a mystery, but one that has had rippling effects beyond the strange and utterly unlike me fact that I am more interested in making whole grain muffins on Saturday morning than drinking a latte. Turns out, when you successfully do things you were always afraid of doing ––like giving up alcohol, meditating for twenty minutes––you feel like a rock star. You feel competent. I started a new job today without a stitch of nerves. I initiated a Mint.com savings goal called “Cozy Little Cottage.” I’m crazy for babies in an I-could-actually-do-that kind of way. I’ve got my eye on a vacation I want to take all by lonesome. Only I don’t think it will be lonesome at all.
Radical self-care is kind of a shocker. If you asked me a month ago, I would have sooner told you that tattooing my face would make me feel better about life than giving up coffee for a week. What’s radical isn’t the big gestures of cutting out processed foods or the giant change of deciding you’re going to give up all media; the radical part is that internal shift.
But your smart cookies probably already knew that, didn’t you? So, do tell: What changes have you made in your lives that have caused a big shift, have made you feel shockingly, ecstatically good?
Kristina Strain: Congrats to you on your new job!
For me, happiness mostly just happens if left to its own devices. Hobbies are a major help, as are girlfriends, and cooking. That’s all I really have to offer, unfortunately!1 year ago
Stephanie: Moving from being a night person to a morning person was a HUGE shift for me that’s made me ridiculously happy. Getting up early enough to have an hour or two of free time in the morning to do something, anything — knit, read, do the dishes, occasionally take myself out to breakfast — before I go to work makes me calmer and more productive, both at work and in the other areas of my life. It didn’t happen easily or quickly, but it’s totally worth it.1 year ago
brookstar: a couple of years ago, i would have never thought i would be a “gym type of person”. i was heavier than i liked, but never felt like that was enough motivation to change. a friend who felt really embarrassed going to the gym asked me to show her how to use the machines and i went along thinking it would be a one-off, but we ended up becoming workout buddies. then we got an email about a women’s 10k and realised that it was a non-competitive thing that we could do for charity and signed up for it to give ourselves something to work towards.
because of that, i’m going to be running my 4th annual women’s 10k this year, lost 25 lbs, am eating healthier, and am part of a boxing club. although getting up at 7 to train and then going to work feels like a chore, i always feel so good when i’m done and miss it when i don’t do it.
what’s funny is that this, in turn, has led to others asking me for advice and me saying that once you start doing a few things that are good for yourself, it has a knock-on effect and you start wanting to do more things that are good for you. exercising made me look at nutrition made me look at sleep patterns made me look at how i spend my time and it’s been such a journey of discovery of how one positive change in your life can lead to so many others.
it took me about 30 years to figure this out, but i’m so happy i’m here.1 year ago
Thank you, Kristina! Yes, it feels good to be employed! Ordinarily I would totally agree with you––that’s what partly makes this experience so utterly strange for me!
Stephanie, What an absolutely love way to start your day––and what an incredible quality of life booster!
Brookstar, Wow. That is very inspiring. That feeling good stuff really does have a domino effect, doesn’t it? I love that people naturally come to you (even before you had become a great runner) for support and advice. That really says something!1 year ago
Mallory: I found your bog through someone else’s a few months back and you’ve quickly become one of my favorites to read. Your Can Do attitude is contagious! I’m terrified at the the thought of giving up coffee, but I’ve been toying with it for awhile and I need to hear all these wonderful things you have to say about it.
I have started eating better because I feel better when I do. It’s been hard to get the people at work to understand that I don’t want to lose weight and no, I’m not pregnant–I just prefer spinach salads these days!
I still have quite a ways to go, though, so thank you for the words of encouragement.1 year ago
Mallory: Err, *blog, not bog. I also want to mention: my word for this year is “change,” as corny as it sounds. My education, job, and living situation are all about to change, so it seemed to fit. It looks like some self-care changes are in order too!1 year ago
Kathryn: Sarah,
I can’t add anything substantial as of yet, but want to say only: you have summarized my fear and have, in this post, encouraged me to take the plunge. I have two small kids, a full-time lawyer job, etc etc and all the excuses in the world not to step out of my comfort zone. I’m just back from the doc for an Rx for my second ear infection in as many months, and as I was in the waiting room I was thinking, “This is it. Something has to change.” But can I really give up that 7pm glass of wine or that 7am cup of coffee which I’ve convinced myself I need (need to what? To be happy? Well, yeah, actually…) I’m truly terrified of giving up coffee (so thank you for admitting you were too!) But this past week I’ve been researching smart detox as a way of trying to manage my health and immune system. And then I read this — a real person’s testimony that it is doable. Please keep posting about your journey — you’ve inspired at least one person!1 year ago
Dayna: I’ve been thinking about this detox idea since you posted about it earlier this month and because I’ve been battling the ebb and flow of a cold since, oh, October. I’ve been heading to the gym consistently since the New Year, but my diet definitely needs some tweaking. I need a boost, but I have serious reservations about cutting so much out of my diet and my (admittedly not-so-healthy) routine.
How do you manage social gatherings? My friends (really great ones that I love and want to spend lots of time with) are into great food and good wine. We’re a boozy bunch. Not sure how to manage my social life with a detox plan. Suggestions?
Did you start gradually (like cutting back on coffee, etc) or jump right in?
How do I do this and NOT set myself up for failure? (Not sure you can answer this one, but it’s on my mind.)
Finally, does your improved outlook have anything to do with your new job and not the detox?? (That’s the cynic in me, of course. Congrats on the new job, whatever it may be! [Did I miss a post?])1 year ago
Katie @ cakes, tea and dreams: I love the idea of radical self-care – especially since my word for 2011 is “comfort.”
I gotta say: moisturizing my face made a big difference when I finally started doing it. I had oily skin as a teenager so I didn’t think I needed to moisturize, but I love what it does for my skin – and the calming ritual of caring for my face twice a day.
I’ve learned, too, that planning ahead for meals makes me likelier to eat healthy. (Shocker, I know.) And writing – journal entries, blog posts, rambling essays, letters – always puts the world to rights for me. (As evidenced by how off-kilter I feel when I don’t write.)1 year ago
Bethany: Hip hip hooray! I so needed to read this today! Loved hearing you say the word competent and the way this post was overflowing with self-love. I think it’s contagious!1 year ago
Sasha: Yay on the new job!!! So exciting! Congrats!
I think I was lucky in that I was hounded for years by my dental hygienist mother into self-care such as yoga/exercise, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, taking my vitamins, and trying to be positive during challenging situations. Ok, so I rebelled and refused to listen to the entire cassette tape collection of Deepak Chopra’s talks, but I think the key to learning self-care, like anything, is repetition. They say that it takes 30 days to form a new habit, that you need to replace an old habit with a new one, and that in order to really remember something new you have to repeat it at least 7 times before it goes from short to long term memory. It’s clear that you’ve done all these things and with resounding success! Congrats!!! I haven’t made any big self-care changes for a while, but think I just need to keep up with the ones that I’ve got: I’ve slacked on the yoga lately what with my new job, but I’m determined now to get back into it (plus I have a yoga retreat coming up next month that I need to be ready for!
1 year ago
Dayna: PS: Yikes, on the first read, I totally missed the sentence, “I started a new job today without a stitch of nerves.” Congrats again and looking forward to hearing more (feeling sheepish and less cynical now).1 year ago
Julie: Gosh, even your apartment is glowing! This post makes me so happy. Go, go Sarah!1 year ago
Amy --- Just A Titch: First, congrats on the new job, lady!
Secondly, I have a similar post brewing. I’ve cut out “bad” foods, have been running, drinking green smoothies, etc. and it really does make me want to do better on other things. I planned to take a rest day from running today and instead came home and ran and feel awesome.
I don’t know why this is so hard, but it’s true. It takes time to get into a rhythm, but getting into it feels so good.
Cheers to continued health and feel-goodery!1 year ago
Tall Jessica: Hello Healthy Eaters,
I have also been trying to eat wholesome, fresh, GOOD food. I love how easy recipe-finding is in the internet age! If you’re in a rut, Healing Cuisine by Elise has heaps and heaps of great stuff to make http://www.healingcuisinebyelise.com/
Good luck with the new job and good luck with the good eating.1 year ago
ML: Gotta tell you, this is amazing. About a year ago I was reading an article where you were linked on the Kim Challenge so I started following your blog. Reading your blog makes me feel like you’re kind of like a girlfriend I knew in a different dimension so I’ve always enjoyed reading your thoughts on home, friends, family, and creating comfort. It’s just so neat to see you make these epiphanies and I just wanted to say that it’s nice to see you in such an ecstatic place. We put limits on ourselves sometimes without even knowing it, and it’s cool to see someone cut free and run. Thank you for this post!
ML1 year ago
Meghan: Awesome post!1 year ago
Tami -- Teacher Goes Back to School: Congrats on the new job!
I’ve been also detoxing the last week and a half – I’ve never felt better.
To be honest, it’s kinda freaking me out. I’ve been making some fairly small changes and having huge results – an inch off my waist and 4 pounds off – it’s not like I was eating fast food before.
I’m pretty sure this gluten free part is going to stick. Not having caffeine everyday seems pretty reasonable now too.1 year ago
JenCal: Loved this post and it definatly a reminder that there are resolutions I made to myself that I need get started on. In the fall I cut (almost) all refined sugar and processed foods out of my diet and while a noticed a huge difference my weight, what was the most motivating was the change in how I felt. Its amazing how even small changes can affect your outlook and how you feel.
No coffee? That deserves a medal women!1 year ago
Morgan: I started calling people in my life who love me but don’t live in the same city as me regularly. It’s so uplifting to hear my sister’s voice or my grandmother’s. I write letters because I love sending them and receiving them.1 year ago
Oh, thank you guys for all this sweet support! It feels good to feel good, and I’m glad that a bit of that is contagious.
Okay, the coffee: I did cut it out for a week. But like that 7pm glass of wine that Kathryn mentioned, I’m so enamored of the ritual of coffee that I’ve been having a cup most mornings. Not all mornings mind you, and I’m drinking way less, but it’s something I consciously decided I wanted back in my life. So it’s back, but in not in that I-must-have-it-or-perish way.
I love all the self-care you guys mentioned: reaching out to people, writing, repetition of positive habits, moisturizing!
Like all things, what I’m really striving for is balance. My husband came home last night and said he was in fact “weirded out” and a little worried––he still wants a wife who will go out for bloody rare steaks.
I love a good steak, and in terms of how to navigate social situations, I haven’t totally figured that out yet. I had dinner out with friends the other night, ate good wholesome food, and didn’t drink. I’m having dinner with a very good time gal friend of mine tonight and prepared her for the fact that I’m not drinking beforehand. You never know how people will react; she almost sounded relieved about it.
My therapist and I talk about “feeling your way.” I like to know all the answers and the full plan of attack before I do practically anything. But you can’t always know everything and be prepared for every detail––in fact, you usually can’t. So you feel your way. You figure it out as you go. And that’s okay. We put so much pressure on ourselves to “succeed” and be perfect, when maybe the world would seem a lot less scary if we decided to feel our way instead. Maybe I need to do an entire post about this idea!1 year ago
Cindy: I had to jump on the gluten-free bandwagon as well. I was having symptoms that led me to getting checked by the dr. I was experiencing IBS-like pains and low to none energy, mood issues, concentration issues, etc. I knew I wasn’t celiac, but the test results showed I was borderline and had some sort of allergy or sensitivity to gluten. I have cut out about 1/2 to 3/4 of the gluten I used to eat. I eat more fruits, veggies and nuts. I feel alot better! But it is hard. I broke down yesterday and finally bought myself a loaf of gluten free bread. I have been afraid to try it, what if I don’t like it and it is a waste of money? Oh well. I need a PB&J sandwich like a crazy person. So I will try it out at lunch today. Hopefully it is good…. I have begun writing in a journal. I keep it locked up at work so no one at home would be tempted to read it. It is a healthy way to vent.1 year ago
Amy C: You know what’s funny? I find the baby thing pops up for me, too, when I am taking really good care of myself. It’s like a thermometer – when I am taking really bad care of myself, the thought of nurturing another creature is totally overwhelming. I tell my husband that I will claw his eyes out if he gets near my uterus. But when I am taking really excellent care of myself, a baby seems possible – nay, exciting – because I have so much energy from nurturing myself that it is positively overflowing and I want to give it to someone else as well.
Also, I am practicing “feeling my way” too. I am an over-researcher – I like to know ever possible outcome of every possible move I make – but that becomes exhausting after awhile. At some point, I just need to jump, like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade where he has to take the leap and hope that something will be under his feet.1 year ago
Sarah: I tried doing a bunch of small things to see how it made me feel, and I am happy to report that even these little things make a big difference! Things like making my bed every morning, slathering my feet in lotion and putting on socks before bed, drinking more herbal tea, stretching throughout the day, taking on at least one nagging task a day. These things are so small and seem insignificant, but, really, I feel so much happier! Now I know I do not need to make huge sweeping changes to feel good – just a little at a time.1 year ago
kat: This post came at such a great time for me – I’m in a massive deep hole thanks to my depression/meds. I know I need to radically self care but I’m not even sure where to start.1 year ago
Kristina S: What’s made a difference to me this first month of this new year is to let go a little bit. Loosen the reins on what I felt was a runaway horse and just see where it goes.
I’ve always been someone who loved to plan. Exercise on this day (although this always seemed easiest to drop from the schedule…), spend time with friends on that day. I was very regimented in my head and so when I couldn’t/didn’t stick to a schedule that I thought would make me happiest, I would become very disappointed in myself. I began to see myself as a victim of an out-of-control schedule, when I was the one who had created it all along! (Is this making sense?)
Now my goal is to be more present in my decision-making. I’m not a loser for missing a workout to make dinner with friends, just like I’m not a bad employee if I go workout instead of staying an extra hour to finish a project. There is always tomorrow. These are not things that are happening to me, these are my own choices for what I need in that moment. If I don’t speak up for myself and my needs, who will?
Thank you for another excellent post.
PS I totally plan on ganking “feel your way” and using it as my new mantra. Love that!1 year ago
Katie @ cakes, tea and dreams: Ohh, I love the “feel your way” idea. Definitely worth a whole post!
(And I forgot to say – congrats on the new job, and yay for starting it without nerves!)1 year ago
Lindsay Durrenberger: A year ago, I gave up caffeine. Ever since conception I’ve struggled with migraines and insomnia. The migraines have tapered off and the insomnia is totally GONE. It’s amazing!1 year ago
ruth@gracelaced: Sarah, I’m entering my third trimester soon. I woke up this morning feeling like the burrito, fast food, and mexican I ate yesterday, all because I wast too busy to say no to junky food offered to me. Sigh. And it’s cold, and I’m big, and gave up the gym membership to save money for Christmas. But lack of self-care doesn’t make you self-sacrificing, it just ultimately delays the inevitable: that if you don’t take care of yourself, you really can’t take care of others either.1 year ago
Lib: Really lovely post, thanks Sarah! I’ve been thinking about this idea of self-care a bit recently, especially as I’m spending only my second winter in the northern hemisphere in a genuinely cold climate (well, the UK), after growing up/living my university years etc in a sub-tropical climate in Australia. (On that note, any more tips (love the bath idea!) about adapting to life in a cold climate are most welcome.)
One thing that I often think about in conjunction with this idea of self-care is the importance of challenge, and trying new things. I value both things in my life, and find it hard to know how to strike a balance. For instance, I’m playing sport at a very competitive (though amateur) level, and while it brings great challenge to my life, and has helped me make new friends, keep fit, develop skills, etc, it also adds a level of stress and difficulty to my life. It means I can’t travel as much as I’d like, means that I have to go home early or skip social events or phone catch-ups to prepare for morning practices, and there is a whole level of nerves about ongoing trials and meets etc. I struggle to reconcile the advantages and disadvantages of it, because they speak to different things that I value. Similarly, sometimes there are sort of optional professional opportunities that might create extra stress in my life, so I can’t take them all up, but then I should take some up for challenge/progress/growth etc. These are sort of random examples, but I wonder if you have any thoughts on reconciling challenge and growth with self-care? I know they’re not contradictory, but it feels sometimes that there’s a tension. Thanks again, Sarah!1 year ago
Kanesha: Sarah-
Thanks for your open heart. Congrats on the new gig!1 year ago
Such a fabulous and inspiring post.
I’ve been very clear about keeping my creativity factor as a priority for my self-care this year. I’ve been turning down dates with friends who are draining and spending more time with friends who are also nurturing their creative selves and who have positive energy. I’m also getting more sleep and my family is grateful.
Lisa (dinner party): Great news about your new job (and feeling good)!1 year ago
Deb: I love, love reading your journey on the way to radical self care, it’s inspiring to want to try to do the same for myself! I’m not sure where to start though . . .1 year ago
shauna: Sarah, I absolutely adore this post. It’s amazing how hard it is to give ourselves what we know makes us feel good. I’m thrilled that you are finding a way. I’m inspired.
p.s. those muffins are really darned good!1 year ago
Jen: First off, I really did love this post. I am fearing I will come off as a contrarian here, which is not my intent, but there are a couple of things I am just interested in figuring out. I will admit, straight off the bat, that I definitely look forward to a nightly glass of beer/wine (or two), and eat a ton of chocolate. (Thankfully, I have no predisposition toward caffeine and am blessed with a very active metabolism.) But honestly, it seems like that a lot of the health-related literature would legitimatize my moderately vice-ful lifestyle…if not endorse it (a glass of wine a day, etc). I’ve also seen a lot of info that, on the surface, would question the value of certain “detox” plans. Obviously, there are no black and white answers here, which is why this post is intriguing!
I guess my comment is more of a question – what is the impetus behind these, or similar, lifestyle changes? Is it a day-to-day malaise that makes you wonder “What could I change to make this better?” Or is it that friends, science, intuition has recommended a certain path, and it ended up being the right one? Is there a detox plan that is notably better than others? I am always up for getting to a happier/ more productive self, and would be very interested in any thoughts anyone might have.1 year ago
Ashleigh: Your blog is kind of like a detox for me after hours of sitting in class. Science is wonderful, but by the end of the day I yearn for an uncomplicated and beautiful perspective on the world which is neatly accomplished by reading your website.
I’ve been reading about green smoothies and green juice diets, and so far have mostly found that people just buy the expensive ones from Whole Foods and other health stores. Do you make your own?1 year ago
Angel: I so understand what you are saying in this post! It is difficult to put yourself first and that is something I’ve been dealing with for years now! This year though I can proudly say is my year! I am married and have a 10 year old daughter that need a lot of my time but I also removed myself from a toxic friendship that quite honestly was sucking me dry. After dealing with her drama all day I was mentally drained and couldn’t take it any longer. Now that she is out of the picture, I not only happily focus on my family I also take time to run in the morning, read more often and I even take a Muay Thai class one evening a week which is huge for me to do stuff for myself while everyone is home! I also read “The Happiness Project” that is very inspirational also! I’m also following my dream and I am back in school, it’s so exciting!!!1 year ago
Sarah J: thanks for the inspiration and sorry about my last cranky post. you’re really selling the detox and it’s good to hear it from a real person.1 year ago
j jump jennifer: I could really relate to this post because on January 1st (I love a new beginning) I started the same sort of thing…let me eat better, let me cut out alcohol (Boozebag Betty over here has been sober for 22 days) let me only drink green tea and water…. and it really has made such a huge difference in the way I feel and think. I’M EXCITED ABOUT EVERYTHING now. It’s like the best feeling! Now if I could just incorporate exercise into this new routine, it’s would be a total win win all around! but Shape up RI starts in February, so I think there’s hope for me in that deptartment. Anywhoo, Cheers to you and your healthy ways….Let’s keep up the good work!1 year ago
Emily: Thank you for this post. I needed to read it today. And it made me realize I often take better care of my easily-replaceable, $200 iPhone than I do of my one-and-only, priceless body — especially when this weather makes it so easy to just sit and eat and drink.1 year ago
Linda Wagner - Nutrition to Invigorate Mind, Body & Spirit: LOVE your blog!! I just found it and it is incredible!! Such an inspiration! I’ve been posting tons of heathly recipes on my site too, cleansing and living cleanly physically, emotionally, and spiritually really is a way of life for me.
It’s a please to find someone like minded that is actively inspiring others to do the same!! I will definitely be following your blog!!
xo1 year ago
Shaheen Alam: lovely to read your practice of self awareness, thankyou…but wait untill you try dry body brushing…it’ll rock your world :0 the brush has to be hard and at first it’ll feel like your scratching to skin to shreds!! but belive me you get used to it…everyday a good retuine, before a shower (hot & cold) …amazing how it boosts the circulation, digestion, and lymphatic systems…i’ve experienced a radical letting go of emotions no longer relevent to now, new energy levels and to top it all my cellulite reduced….yeah dry body brushing…try it…you will not look back : )37 weeks ago
Shaheen Alam: …ps. always body brush in direction of circulation, towards the heart…i use a brush made of cactus bristle… love xxx37 weeks ago