Taking Care
Yesterday I walked through a gray day, up and down the same few blocks of lower Broadway, with a pink scarf wrapped tightly around my neck. I was thinking about a conversation I’d had with my mom the night before. We had talked about caretaking, and this, I think, is one of my mom’s crowning achievements as a mother. Each of her children keeps a list at the ready of (practically) instant cheer-ups. It’s a vital lesson to learn somewhere along the line: caring for yourself is serious business. We have to know what cheers us, picks us up from a drab mood, eases the pains of the day. And it’s not namby-pamby self-coddling, it’s tantamount self-care. Who will take care of us if not, well, us?
Here are a few things I keep repeating to myself lately: There’s nothing righteous in misery. There’s nothing inherently more noble about suffering and self-flagellation than delight and pleasure. It’s a belief I’m trying to really own. Because I live, after all, in the same world as you, where we seem to prize punishing hours at work, at the gym, in our minds. Balance, though a hot topic in quality of life circles, isn’t exactly sexy headline news.
And so I’ve been thinking these last twenty-four hours about how to take better care of myself on all fronts. You have perhaps noticed a theme developing these past few weeks, what with the pajamas, the bubble baths, the casseroles. I’m in high gear self-care mode, very good at making it to my favorite step class and getting in bed early with Jane Eyre, less good at meditating or going to yoga. A thick novel and a glass of wine are important components of the self-care arsenal. But ultimately, they’re about distraction (which, lordy, certainly has its place).
But there’s another kind of self-care that’s a slightly different brand than the getting-in-the-bubble-bath kind. It has to be about soothing rather than distracting, tapping in, rather than tuning out. It has a flavor of centering and connecting, maybe to someone or something else, maybe just to to some inner core. It might involve writing in your journal, eating kale or calling a friend. But it’s checking in with the heart of the matter, and smoothing it over, like the way a mom runs her hand over the head of her kid, rhythmic and relaxing.
Do you know what I’m talking about? What are the ways that you ladies engage in this kind of self-care, the deeper emotional kind? Let’s create a master list.
Image: Nikki McClure “Sustain” poster
jaclyn: I follow Mighty Girl and do a life list. I also do a number list for my age, like 30 before 30 etc. I find that if I really prioritize what in life I want, or as in the number list, what I want at the time, I can really go after it. This also creates a feeling of living my dreams or at least working toward them.
That and as you said, proverbial glass of wine and bubble bath!1 year ago
Lindsay Durrenberger: - writing in my journal/blogs
- reading some feel-good/spirit-lifting nonfiction while sipping a glass of pinot grigio
- calling friends and meeting up with them for beer and no agenda apart from laughing so hard it hurts
- a face mask and/or manicure/pedicure
- a HOT (not warm) bath with soothing oils, and scented candles
- cuddling my husband in stillness and quiet, resting while just “being”1 year ago
Kim: This is such a timely and pertinent post. I am have recently upped the self-care portion of my life. It is much needed. This includes more wine than my normal life allows, more TV watching, and one spa treatment a week. Two weeks ago I got highlights, last week a haircut, this week a manicure, next waxing, the week after I’m fixing for a massage.
Slowly, week by week, I’m allowing my body to emerge a little spiffier than when it came into the week. That does wonders for my mental health as much as my physical.1 year ago
Claire: Thank you so much for writing this…I’ve been really thinking about self-care as of late. This fall, I took a leave of absence from my graduate school program because I was incredibly burnt out. I’ve been seeking to compile all of my methods for self-care, but more importantly, seeking that deeper connection to a sense of balance.
I had an epiphany the other day that I don’t need to do it all *now*. I don’t need to know “everything” now, I don’t need to finish redecorating my apartment now, I don’t have to reorganize all of my grad school binders now. I can do a little, but not all — that’s what was so overwhelming for me; I felt that if I started a project, I had to wrap it up, 100%, every time. Ummmm, impossible.
Also, I wrote about something similar to this self-care post a week or so ago; and I hope you don’t mind, I’ve referenced you on my “blog” here and there. (I love the way you write!) And the post, in case you’re interested: http://iheartstegosaurus.tumblr.com/day/2010/11/03
Be well!1 year ago
Margaret: I realized last srping after a trip to France with my mom that my goals were not being met- what was the problem? I still had weight to lose, I still had things I wanted to make myself feel better, I still felt hopeless about dating again after not-quite-letting-go of an ex. Do not underestimate the power of seeing self-possessed French women in their everyday lives.
I was motivated when I got back. Heck, I wasn’t getting any younger (29) and so I broke out the Excel and made a commitment to several goals each month: dating effort, new dishes, rigorous exercise, letters/ blog posts to keep in touch, and decluttering. Along the way, I discovered that while I wasn’t losing weight, I was feeling stronger and more ALIVE, and discovered that was really the point. Not just wine, not just chocolate. Feeling ALIVE somehow. Somehow being able to count the beans of effort (I saw a percentage grow each month! so nerdy and exciting!) has kept me out of the super-moody closet for longer than usual. (sorry for the long comment, but this post spoke to me, Sarah!)1 year ago
Sally: I left work early yesterday feeling completely bummed out. I drug myself to the grocery store and bought all the necessary ingredients to make my grandmother’s spaghetti sauce. The smell of it in my house immediately helped me feel a little better about life. While it was cooking I indulged in my always-faithful-perk-me-up: I cut my hair. I am constantly growing it out, cutting it off, growing it out, ad nauseam. I gave myself some pixies bangs and my whole world turned itself around. I feel kind of silly saying that, but a haircut can really give you a different perspective on life and yourself.1 year ago
Lauren: I tend to think of self-care as lots of little, regular acts punctuated by a few big, grand gestures to myself.
The little things involve home-spa-ish pampering, reading, walking on the beach, etc. The big things serve a slightly different purpose: not only do they give me something to look forward to, but the planning, saving, and organizing for them are also forms of self-care.
My “big, grand” event of this season is a 6-day holiday to visit family and friends in Dallas. Yes, it’s right before Thanksgiving; yes, I work at a college and it’s end-of-semester crunch time; and yes, I am worth the time and effort it took to make this trip happen. My flight leaves tomorrow
Now back to writing sub plans…1 year ago
Jen: Fantastic! I am so blogging this later. My biggest form of self care right now is eating and resting. I’m nearly 6 months pregnant and my work is getting busier every day. But I’m eating (and eating and eating!) homemade leftovers and lots of produce instead of quick fixes. And even though I definitely need to keep up yoga now more than ever, it is so important to just stop what I’m doing so that I can sit down, feel my baby move, and mentally go over what I really need to accomplish with what energy I have left.
And the next time I have a good chance to just sit, I am definitely painting my toenails while I still can!1 year ago
Elizabeth: My self-care routine this November: lots of watching Mad Men in bad, buckets of homemade popcorn, loads of earl gray tea with milk, an occasional Jamison on the rocks, endless looking at food porn…and not feeling guilty about an of it
1 year ago
tami: wow – clearly you’ve hit on a hot button for lots of people. me included.
my whole deal in life (other than my day job as kick-ass elementary school teacher) is to help people slow down and rest – to truly take care of themselves.
my way of helping is by teaching restorative yoga classes and offering them for free. i invite all the tired moms and frazzled teachers and sleepy students i can find and ask them to lie down for 1 hour and do nothing. they don’t even have to put their lavendar pillow over their eyes or cover themselves with a blanket. i’ll do it for them.
it’s crazy, they have a hard time accepting the kindness. i get it because not too long ago, kindness and giving in others made me weep.
now that i’ve experienced how nourishing kindness to self (and others) can be – it’s pretty much all i want to do.
thank you for writing this and so many of your posts. i admire your blog and look forward to every post.1 year ago
Kristine: The grey November days are making me feel like I need to curl up and do a lot of self care too, although now that you mention it, I think some of my self care is often more distraction. So be it. Distraction can be good too. Hot bubble baths with some Bailey’s, Joni Mitchell, watching Bette Davis movies under a warm blanket all seem to do wonders in the comfort department.1 year ago
Ashlee: This post is so relevant to my life right now. With training for a marathon and then getting injured, working through a relationship that was beginning to show signs of waning, and a job that made me feel less than my potential or the appreciation I felt I deserved, I was feeling incredibly burnt out. And then I took a step back and allowed myself the best breather of all…time. Sure, I still go to work everyday, but my perfectionist nature no longer rules me as much. And I’ve taken time to reflect on my relationship and call upon my friend/family support networks. I’ve also begun to get haircuts, manicures, take hot baths with abandon (and expensive, fir needle scented salts!), spend time playing with (and talking to…no shame!
my dog, and allowing myself to reflect on things as I need and want to. This means time with the television off, going to yoga, attending meditation sits, and generally allowing myself to just be. It’s so difficult for modern women to not feel guilty for slowing down, but it is essential. It’s not weakness, nor is it a competition. After all, to know yourself and be able to intuit and understand your needs, fears, hopes, and habits is a real gift!
I also feel that our obsession with Facebook and other social media outlets, which awesome at times, makes us unfairly and constantly compare our lives, our trajectories, our looks, our accomplishments, etc with those of others. So, I like to do an internet detox and, difficult as it is, spend a weekend without relying on the internet or checking my phone 10,000 times a day. It’s an amazing, liberating feeling to not be bombarded by spam or peoples’ FB status updates. Oh, and on those weekends, I often impromptu cook with whatever I have in the house. The free space without distraction allows for lots of fun creativity.
Love your blog! Thanks for always being so open and for sharing your tips and tricks!1 year ago
Cadi: “Tapping in” for me means one of two things: either spending time completely alone in a very quiet world that I create for myself, or gathering all of my lovies around me and cooking. and not crazy, new-recipe-must-be-fabulous-and-awe-inspiring, we’re talking a big pot of spaghetti sauce and polenta, a big batch of soup, lasagna, casserole, whatever speaks to me.In feeding others I feed my soul, watching them savor something from my own hands and heart and nourishing their hearts and souls. It makes it full circle for me, and helps me see that there are people around me to help me through whatever I’m wading in, whether they know I’m wading or not.
There are other times, though, when nothing but withdrawing will help me. A long walk, a good book, a great glass of wine (or martini), my coziest flannel. Those are days that I dont’ get online, I don’t answer the phone, and just sink back into myself to mend whatever needs mending inside. Even Dear Husband can’t help on those days, I just need to curl up and get my life back together. And knowing that about yourself, above all, is an important lesson learned. There are times when no one can fix you but you, and it’s imperative that1 year ago
Cadi: (hit send, oops!) we know that about ourselves. Take care Sarah!1 year ago
Alison: This post is so wonderful and so timely. I’ve been having a weird couple of weeks, feeling low, unlike myself, disconnected from who I am and what I want. Then I thought; I am on my third move to a different country in a year, I miss my friends, I miss my old lifestyle. I work tons of hours and never see my boyfriend and it’s not even a job I really like. It’s no wonder I’m feeling low, and figuring out the contributing factors can help explain these unusual feelings.
I think the point about misery not being righteous or noble is really important too; I was actually finding it hard to let go to negative feelings, like it was better to hang on to them and feel sad all the time.
Thanks so much for this post Sarah, I am always so comforted by your writing, and will definitely make a self-care list for myself now!1 year ago
Jessica: I resigned from a 9-5 medical position, jumped on a plane to Sweden with $10,000AUD in the bank and resolved to read more, see more, listen more and create more. A year later, to this day, I am entirely broke but wholeheartedly happy.
Oh and Elizabeth, I’m totally with you, minus the popcorn =)1 year ago
Amy C: You girls! This post and these comments nearly made me cry. I’ve had a really, really roller-coastery few months. We’re talking the high of buying a brand new house, and the low of my family falling apart and being hurt very badly by them.
So my husband and I decided to take a much needed vacation, during which I got really sick (of course), and have been sick since – 3 weeks now. I’m kind of at the end of my energy reserves.
I preach wellness and self-care to my clients, but sometimes I am so short-sighted when it comes to myself – reading this made me realize how poorly I have been taking care of myself. I seem to be expending energy on everything BUT self-care. So, after reading your comments, I am inspired to take better care – if I can just put a little energy into helping myself, I will get a huge return
1 year ago
Kanesha: Self-care – ubber important.
I make a monthly “joy” list.
It’s based on the number of days for that particular month – and I have to do something for myself – each day – that brings me joy.
It can be something planned out like a spa day – or something like making it to yoga – or buying my favorite candle (goji and tarocco orange) – or having coffee with my husband. I use my joy list to keep myself in the proper self-care mode because it’s so easy to get derailed.
Of course journaling/blogging helps as well.1 year ago
Christine S.: I think my form of self-care has been to be aware of every moment of living. I take in everything that I’m doing and make assessments over whether or not they are adding something positively enlightening and fulfilling to my life or if they are dragging it down. Lately, that has even taken the form of how I interact with people around me. A budding relationship that began on what seemed like something good came to an end…for really good reasons. Hurt a bit, I let myself grieve briefly and then found all the positive in why it was good to let it go…and, it has been really good for my inner-psyche. How I deal with my students and kids and co-workers, as well, really impacts living each and every day. I feel like anything that could be negative is not achieving the desired return I’m looking for in them. So, in order to have self-care and feel good in all aspects of life, I choose positive living!1 year ago
Jules @ Lovely Las Vegas: Great post! I definitely need to work on a list like that.
Lately, the easiest most soothing self-care pleasure has been cozying up early in bed and reading magazines (travel, food, etc.) After reading and researching more in-depth articles and journals at work all day (essentially being a bookworm), easy and inspiring reads are comforting.1 year ago
Susan B: Dearest Sarah,
So many things that you write resonate, and I notice the synchronicity in fact that my last tweet (at about 11:30 my time last night as I couldn’t sleep) was about personal wellness/self care and inviting people to reflect on who or what they could call on to assist them…but there is so much more. My relationship has just ended with my boyfriend and I have both reached out to friends in ways that far surpass anything before, and I have also stretched myself to do a session with a healer (FAR out of my box). I share this personal stuff to let you know how I can relate to what you’ve written. And to also thank you for once again being a voice of honesty and hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your words strengthen me on my path to becoming a better person, a more balanced person, a happier person.1 year ago
Sasa: I’ve committed to starting a new good habit each month (better for me than trying to quit things, hey, I’m not a quitter ;P) because apparently it takes about 30 days for something to stick. At the end of a year, I’ll have 12 good new habits! This month is eating mindfully – I don’t have a weight problem at all but I feel that the food that nourishes me, as well as I deserve more attention than it has so far got. Next month (inspired by Sarah Watson) I’m going to send love to those who annoy me instead of cursing them (say, in traffic).
I have also been going to bed really early (10 o’clock!) and just lying and thinking about my day which calms and relaxes me as I let go of it.
I’ve also been eating/drinking a lot of yoghurt, sorry to sound like an Activia ad but it’s made an amazing difference, I feel so much less bloated.
Hm, what else? We’re both on crazy schedules at the moment so on Sundays I don’t open my computer and my bf and I don’t leave the house except to go for an hour’s walk, the rest of the time, we read and watch movies and cook.1 year ago
Erika: Like the others who have commented so far, this post really resonated with me. I’ve been going through a period of feeling dissatisfied, and that’s led me to the question: Who do I want to be – for myself? What I’m focusing on are the behaviors that I take on a daily basis and whether they lead to me being more of the person I want to be or less of the person I want to be. It’s not always easy to change those behaviors, but the focus on where – and who – I want to be seems to be the key to positive changes in my life.
Sometimes, I do think that giving ourselves a break is the best form of self-care. At this point in my life, however, self-care has to take the form of pushing myself to be “better” (as I’m defining it for myself).1 year ago
christy: Oh synchronicity…..
This November has been the worst month of my life. I don’t want to go into the gory details since this is the internet and all, but it really has been excruciatingly awful.
Something I am slowly learning in therapy is that it’s important to let yourself feel things, even the really bad stuff. So instead of having a cocktail or buying a cute pair of shoes or having a Mad Men marathon, I sit with my pain. I don’t wallow, but I try to be mindful and realize that it’s okay (actually, it’s necessary) to be upset when someone has betrayed me or hurt me, and that if I am ever really going to get past it, I need to grieve the loss, not just try to skip over it because I don’t want to feel bad. And a lot of times, I find that what I am really upset about is an old wound, not something that has just happened.
I think it’s really important to try and be better human beings, but we can’t forget how to be compassionate to ourselves. I think sometimes we put to much pressure on ourselves to have these idealized lives which no one really has.
I deleted my Facebook – I honestly felt like it was getting in the way of real human connection. It’s one of the best things I’ve done for myself this year.
And with all that being said, I totally agree with you on the restorative powers of a great pair of pajamas.
1 year ago
You guys. I’m practically in tears over here. These comments are amazing. How grateful am I that you will all really lay out it out there and be honest? It’s amazing.1 year ago
fanny | live happy: I am really tapping into this these days! And, like Claire, I’m slowly learning that I don’t need to do everything now. It’s like I’m on a journey and I have my whole life to get my things done.
I tend to do a lot of journaling and writing when I’m going through phases like these. I feel like as long as I get all of my big ideas out of my head and onto the page, I don’t feel all the rush and pressure and stress to GET IT DONE NOW.
Another tool I have is some really great supportive people who really feed my soul with their conversation. Having these people in my life is pretty crucial to my own calmness!1 year ago
La Chapstick Fanatique: I actually loved this post so much that I wrote about it on my blog and made my own list. Thanks for this post
http://lachapstickfanatique.blogspot.com/2010/11/little-bit-of-happy.html1 year ago
Julie: Love this post (and all these lovely comments)! I totally echo what Christy said about letting yourself feel things fully. I try to give myself permission to be moved by all my emotions. I cry with great regularity, and sometimes get really mad and huffy. Not to say that I’m this crazed, angry person, but just that these are normal feelings, and it’s almost always better to experience them (instead of tuck them away).
And a fun PS: that cheer up post you linked to was one of the first POP entries I ever read!!! Awww, memories!1 year ago
Lesley: I agree with Christy about letting yourself feel things, and not feeling guilty for “wallowing.” November was an equally crappy month for me, and most of me wanted to pretend it never happened. But that just made me feel worse. Facing the pain head-on made me feel much stronger.
My other self-care techniques: yoga and meditation, tennis, and cooking something fancy just for myself. (Fancy meaning: specific to my own personal tastes, like spicy huitlacoche over barley!) I think just being gentler and more loving towards myself helps so much… taking each day just as one single day, and not having crazy expectations of what I can/should accomplish.1 year ago
Emily: So here I was, so moved by this that I was ready to comment to thank you for your timely response, and I see all these OTHER responses and–oh, man! I’m in tears! And I’m just letting it happen. Does letting yourself have a good cry because you just feel so darn understood count as taking care of yourself? Thank you, Sarah, and to your dear readers.1 year ago
Hilary: Must be November, our hearts are so sad to see the summer go. I’ve been knitting a lot—if I am knitting something for someone else, than I can soothe my own anxiety with the texture of the yarn and fabric and the rhythm of the stitch, and I can ease the call to caretake by thinking of the person for whom I am knitting. If I knit without a movie, I can sit with whatever emotions need to be felt; if that is too hard or scary, I can completely transport with (this week) Pride and Prejudice, and ease on through.
Love to you Sarah, for getting the right post at the right time.1 year ago
keishua: Great post and great discussion. Yes, I love self-care. I need it to be sane.
I like baths, watching a chessy but not sappy movie, a hot cup of tea, cleaning my apartment, calling my mom, talking a walk, reading a magazine, collaging with the magazine I just read, journaling, flirting, baking, listening to music, burning a candle, buying nutritional food and doing yoga. Oh, a little knitting or embroidery does the heart good, too.1 year ago
Tiffany: Love!!!!!!!!
XOXO,
http://outfitidentifier.com/1 year ago
vanessa marie: This month I’ve been engaging in a little self-care by coming home after work most days. I wasn’t out partying every night – sometimes it was just a late gym class that had me home late and eating a 9:30pm dinner. So I made the decision to take the pressure off myself and just come home at night and take it from there. It hasn’t been a cure-all by any means, but it has made a big difference for me.1 year ago