Life is Just…
Can you imagine, for a moment, the way the light through the window was dancing its patchy pattern across the table this morning, and across these cherries? It scatters still, across my cup of coffee and keyboard; it seems a fitting thing to bring up for what I’m about to try to say.
Which is: There are days when you burst into your own life. Your sense of self fills every bit of your body: the round tips of your fingers, your elbows, your earlobes. Suddenly, you are fully present in your form and in your life. You are dashing across the street like Mary Tyler Moore, twirling in your skirt, every synapse open and firing.
I am waiting, knowing this moment will end. It began Friday night with the surprise of love and support at the premiere of Colin Hearts Kay (which won Audience Choice for Best Feature!). And then it slid into Saturday when I was wearing a cute outfit and feeling quite lovely, sitting alone at the bar of one of my favorite restaurants with a glass of cold white wine, reading As They Were.
These are some of the things I love: friends, wrap skirts, chilly wine on hot days, M.F.K. Fisher. But for whatever reason, sometimes we turn to the things we love and they fail to stir in us that expected delight, the longed-for pleasure. Instead it is just a glass of Albariño, just a curled paperback.
But every once in awhile we find our lives transformed by joy for an afternoon or a weekend. These are days when we are so fully alive in our bodies, we feel like the stars of our story. Should it be any other way? But, inevitably, there are those other days. The necessary downturns, the going-through-the-motions, the sleepwalking in our own lives. And that’s fine too, if not because melancholy can serve a purpose, then because they make the slow, rapturous intake of pleasure even more satisfying. Too bad there’s not a valve we can switch on and off; but then, I suppose, that would be all too predictable.
I have been on my own personal cloud 9 since Friday at about 8:30pm. And it’s not because of any good news or career triumphs of my mate. It’s because, as someone close to me said, of a transformation. It’s sounds a little heavy or sci-fi, I know, but isn’t that a lovely word? It’s something humming in me, a gear that’s clicked into sunny, quiet place of wholeness. A group of girlfriends brought it on, then more friends, more family, a sewing project free of frustration, an iced latte or two. And now, after a slow wander through the bookstore and a dash to the farmer’s market, these cherries will sustain it. If only for a few moments more.
Katie @ cakes, tea and dreams: Love this, Sarah. I love those days where everything fits and I feel so fully alive. Enjoy your cherries.
1 year ago
Cate: I know just what you mean. The cherries will sustain it a little longer. Enjoy the inner bliss — it is that rarest of wonders.1 year ago
Cadi: Those are the days that I try to remember and drum up when I’m feeling less than blissful. Enjoy and savor every minute!1 year ago
Kim Askew: I so needed to read this post today. Thank you for writing it!1 year ago
Ruth: Oh my. You’ve said it perfectly. I think I’m on the edge of my transformation. Now I’ve only to make room for it! Thanks for inspiring me
1 year ago
Erin: You speak my heart Sarah! Sometimes these moments are so fleeting, and the emotions so intense, but I try so hard to live in the moment and recall these times in darker days. You have represented these times so beautifully.
I have been realizing lately, as we have had a long and rainy, truly dreary Spring, in Portland, paired with some trying stressful times at work, that often times when I am the most exhausted, stressed, “in a funk”, that I don’t turn to the things that pick me up and are deeply comforting for me. Things like a walk in the park, a slow bike ride, a trip to the farmers market, yoga, curling up with a blanket/book/tea, meditation, baking, going for a mind clearing run, sharing with a friend, and so on…. Do you turn towards these things? Or do you forget during the darker times? Any tips?1 year ago
EB: Oh Sarah. *sigh*1 year ago
Sarah: Love this post! Are you working on a book right now? I could just see you writing the most amazing, lovely, love it – love it book.
Thanks for sharing. Reading your blog is always a pick-me-up.1 year ago
domestikate: Oh Sarah, you describe that feeling so perfectly! And lucky lucky you to have such a wonderful weekend.1 year ago
domestikate: PS. I’m more than a little envious!1 year ago
anne: You do describe that feeling so perfectly. I can totally relate. Sometimes I go from dull and down to absolutely terrific in just one day!1 year ago
You guys are always so dang supportive; it slays me, and always makes me feel really glad I opened up (especially when I think I’ve ventured into navel-gazing territory).
Erin, I do turn to those things when I’m feeling down. Sometimes taking a bath, reading, going for a jog, going to a coffee shop and reading with my phone turned off…they can help cheer me up. But sometimes you need to just wallow and let that feeling be what it is. At least, that’s what I’ve learned from POP readers!
Sarah, That was the sweetest, most encouraging thing you could have said. I am working on a project that I call my “book,” but it’s really just some longer form essays that I’m working on. Hopefully one day they’ll find a home somewhere, but I’m trying to just enjoy the process of writing and not feel to attached to how viable they are.
Anne, I know those swings well! That’s when I tend to think that life is especially exhausting!1 year ago
Diane Carol: This post is just what the doctor ordered. Paddling as of late to keep the sadness (of what? can’t quite put my finger on it) at bay – and knowing that there will be a bend in the road and happiness will return. I just know it….and right now I long for those feelings….and this is a wonderful reminder to keep going. Thank you.1 year ago
Brooke: I’ve been having the on-top-of-the-world feeling myself the last few days–friendships, family, vacation planning, teaching a summer class on banned books, all of these things have made me feel like my cup is overflowing with good things. I had my students read Arnold’s “Dover Beach” in class today and it speaks to exactly what you’re saying–the “ebb and flow of human misery,” a dark way of putting it, but the important knowledge that our lives are cyclical–sometimes we’re on top of the world and sometimes it feels like the world is coming down upon us. In the face of this, all we can do is be true to one another and find comfort in love that endures through the ups and downs.1 year ago
Cheri: Beautiful and true. You’ve pinned down that unexpected flood of joy with total perfection.1 year ago
Amber: Very nice entry! I haven’t had one of those feelings in a while.1 year ago
Stacy: I’m happy for you.
It gives me hope; it’s been a while since I’ve had one of those times.1 year ago
beth: well said, sarah. when that soaring feeling hits, i try to take note — often literally — of it as well as what’s caused it. i think most recently it was brought on by passing one of austin’s moontowers at night and feeling grateful that something so distinct is close enough for its light to reach my house.
that feeling isn’t something that can be recreated even if i were to gather all the usual “causes” together at once. but it’s nice to look back and know what i’ve felt and that, at some unexpected point, it will return.1 year ago
Elo: This is such a beautiful and inspiring post. In the times of darkness like the one im in at the moment, your words are like the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.1 year ago
Avril: Fantastic post! I’ve had such a busy week on the work front, not to mention a ton of stuff to get done on a new relocation plan. But family was over for just a day or two, and suddenly I felt this feeling of absolute contentment. I dont know when it crept in but it made me feel happy, enough to burst at the seams. I heard myself laugh in a way that I havent for a long time. Nothing seemed to tire me, worry me, frustrate me. And even sitns that cause panic seemed to evaporate. Thank God for these fleeting, but deliciously simple moments!1 year ago
Colleen: The moments I live for! You have a way with words. Love this site!1 year ago
Lesley: I agree — loved this post. Stirred up all the same things I’d been thinking about lately… that feeling of my life in motion, going somewhere, DOING something, and instead of fretting about it I’m just holding on one-handed with the hugest smile on my face. Wheee!
I hope you keep working on your book… I’d buy it.1 year ago